Friday, April 18, 2014

How My Best Friend Hurt Her Ankle

"What, Rowan? Two posts in one week? Have you seen any flying pigs zooming around today?"

Yeah, I know I don't update often enough. But I promised I'd try and get this to you guys, so here it is: the story of how my friend hurt her ankle a few months ago, as told by herself.

        "I was punting through the Florida Everglades, desperate to reach the burning orphanage before the hungry werewolves closed in, when suddenly an albino crocodile dropped out of a tree onto the bow of my canoe! The bow went down and I flew into the air, my punting pole sailing from my grasp! I was flung into the overhanging moss of the ancient Dillarmo trees, which cradled me like a hammock. Fortunately, I wasn’t injured, and the mystical rain totem remained in my pocket.
            Just when I thought I was safe, I noticed that I felt oddly peaceful and calm. Looking down at my arms, I realized with alarm that I had stumbled into one of the dreaded Somniferous Spruce Glades of Florida! Within moments, I knew, I would be paralyzed and in a few hours my flesh would be absorbed by the demonic flora, leaving my skeleton for the spiders to munch on.
            Fortunately, at about that time a warrior of the tribe of the rare Azure Leopard-People of Tallahassee stumbled upon me in her hunting. I spotted a flash of blue fur spotted with gold and black and called for help. She swung upon the vines until she reached me, her tail waving gracefully behind her. Then she loosened the trailing tendrils from where they had been injecting their immobilizing venom into me. I thought that she was going to help me back to my canoe, but instead she pressed her spear to my back and took me prisoner! From her growling, broken English, I gathered that there was a feud between the Azure Leopard People and the Viridescent Simians, and that the humanoid felines needed a blood sacrifice to ensure their victory against the monkeys!
            I was tied to the obsidian sacrificial rock when help arrived unexpectedly. A strange, blood-chilling howling came from the forest, and then the pack of werewolves burst into the leopards’ camp! They had followed my canoe, and had been distracted from the orphanage when they scented feline!
            Thanks to the ensuing fight, I managed to loosen my bonds and make a run for it into the forest. Unfortunately my ankles were tied very tightly and I obtained some soft tissue damage in my daring escape. I fashioned a crutch out of a fallen branch, limped onwards to the orphanage, used the rain totem to summon a torrent and put out the fire, and led the soot-stained children through the Everglades to safety! We steered well clear of the Azure Leopard Peoples’ camp, and when we reached a small inlet we met an albino crocodile that was trapped in the Somniferous Spruce. After I saved him, he revealed that he was a sacred deity of the Everglades and granted us safe passage back to civilization. Aside from a bite from the deadly Obongo River Spider that I contracted in his rescue, I escaped with only the damage to my ankle.

It hurts quite a lot, but it should heal quickly, thanks for asking."

She sustained slight soft tissue damage, which hurt but healed fast--lucky, since she was in Evita and had to dance a lot the next week.

Okay, okay, fine: I wrote it for her.

But you've got to admit, it sounds a lot cooler than "I fell down the stairs during rehearsal."

1 comment:

  1. Has someone bought the movie rights to this??