Tuesday, August 18, 2015

I am really bad at keeping a journal. I found a couple of my old diaries today. One was from 2012, my sophomore year of high school. It was pretty much full. The second picked up where the first left off, in the winter of 2012-2013, then suddenly jumped to fall of 2013, then jumped again to 2014 and abruptly ended. I don't remember why I stopped writing in it.

Wait, yes I do. That probably would have been...yeah, the fall of 2012 was about when I first started developing the characters for my steampunk comic. I wound up writing and sketching in a school notebook, and I guess that became my new journaling. I stopped writing about my life and started writing about my characters, and drawing them.

It's weird. I used those lined notebooks all through high school, but I think I've mostly switched to actual sketchbooks now. I have a writing notebook, but it's been slow going. What little writing I do is mostly typed these days. I started a notebook when I was at the Kenyon workshop and finished it shortly afterwards, then started another. I'm still working on that one.

But I have a lot of stuff in my sketchbooks now. Maybe that's better. Or maybe both systems are fine and valid. I like the sketchbooks. But I liked the lined notebooks too, especially because I could get away with them in class.

Hopefully the sketchbooks will last longer, though. The lined notebook I had back in 2012 is really faded now. I'm worried I'll lose stuff.

I'm not sure why I'm talking about all this. Maybe it's because I found my diaries. Maybe it's because college starts in two weeks and I'm terrified. But I hope I can continue this blog. I've missed it. I just need to start updating again, and stop worrying that everything I do is too boring for you guys. You've stuck with me so far. Hopefully you'll stick with me a little farther.

Speaking of which--I've always wondered who actually reads this thing. No one comments on it, which I think is because my readers tend not to have Blogger accounts. But if you want, I can set up a special email so we can talk. I'm a little scared that I'll do that and then get nothing, but it might be worth the risk. Would you like that?

Ahh, it's 10:32 here and I'm tired. I'm rambling. God, I feel old.

I'm just going to keep rambling, if that's okay. Or even if it's not. You don't have to read this. I hope you do, though.

For me, one of the worst feelings is when you try and try to get in touch with a friend and get nothing. You text "Hey" three days in a row. No response. You try Skype. And you're so scared of looking desperate, but you miss them. And every now and then they do respond, but then they put their phone down again. Or say goodnight. And don't respond for another two weeks.

It hurts. It makes you feel unwanted. Clingy. Not good enough. I'm tired of it happening. God, so many of my friends do that to me. And I know it's not their fault, they're busy and they don't have time for a homebound 19-year-old loser who still can't drive, but still. I wish they would make time to hang out. It's not that hard.

Oh well. In two weeks, I'm going off to college, and I'm going to make new friends. And hopefully, they'll be the kind I see every day. Hopefully they'll actually want to spend time with me. That would be a really nice change.

I shared the lined notebooks with my friends. That's how they knew my characters. But now I've figured out the conflict of the story and none of the characters are safe. Everything is changing, even my storyworld. Maybe that's why I feel lonely tonight. Because not only am I losing so many friends, not only am I moving in two weeks, but the storyworld that's been with me for almost four years suddenly fundamentally changed. There's so much change in my life right now. So much uncertainty. I'm scared.

But I think I'll be okay. 

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